Commit to Fit | Week 17-18
All seems well and put together in the world of Karl at this point. Looks can be deceiving though. I will explain further so there are no misunderstandings. For the most part, some aspects are moving forward at a great pace and seem right on track. Other aspects of my life are suffering from my lack of attention to those areas. I am still on track with the main goal of losing weight and building muscle. I have lost more weight over the last 2 weeks and down by a total of about 34 lbs (unofficially since I have not been weighed in at Eating Free in several weeks).
My workouts continue to be difficult and mentally challenging, but for the most part I am getting through them. I thought I had fought off the demons in my head which I think may be holding me back some but they keep appearing. Doubt in myself and my abilities are still creeping up and at times I wonder if I can continue forward. I have freely expressed this to Mike, who continues to encourage and help me move forward on my journey. He won’t take my excuses and still plans to build me some guns from hell with how he keeps increasing my weights weekly. I think I may be training for a future Olympic weight lifting competition. Sometimes I can’t think about it at all as it’s overwhelming. I feel so exhausted trying to balance all aspects of my life – especially between my work, personal life and the commitments of being chosen the winner for 2012 Commit-To-Fit program. I am definitely committed and know I am just in a growth phase (mentally at least) and would never do anything to jeopardize my commitment to DIAKADI and Eating Free. After my 4th set of reps with a 20lb barbell in each hand, I am not fully aware of where the strength is coming from to lift those things over my head. I feel like my arms have thousands of tiny knives stabbing them. I am in pain. I am exhausted. I continue on because I know it’s making a difference in my life. My health is worth it.
Another area which I have neglected is my appointments with Sarah at Eating Free. I just haven’t had the time to meet with her. I work 9-12 hours a day usually, drive home, eat then go to bed. There is not a slot open for additional appointments. Sometimes it feels like I am torn between trying to meet my basic necessities (like sleep or decompressing for a few moments after a long day) and having to do something other than work. I have not found balance. I am the black sheep of the Eating Free patients. I said it. I am following my nutritional plan but not fully eating the required number of calories daily. I still could eat another 600-800 a day and be within the plan. I don’t though. Lately, all I have wanted to do is go to Sizzler or have a couple of pints of Cherry Garcia. Old habits have begun to die under my new life and I realized it has been harder to give those bad habits up than I expected. These old habits know it is the end of the road for them and they are trying to break me, to make me revert to the old Karl. I eat strawberries instead and think about the years I am adding on to my life. Go to hell demons!
Damn – and above all, I have neglected my blog and owe a hug thank you to Cristian who continues to check in on me and also encourage me but I feel I disappointment him (as well as Mike and Sarah) week to week when I don’t turn in my blog like I should (or make appointments or can’t lift a certain amount). My apologies Mike, Sarah and Cristian! …and I haven’t even mentioned my neglected friendships and family or personal interests in any of this…. Where is that lack of balance which I am desperately trying to find? I know I will find it and feel there is a silver lining in the dark cloud of Karl….it’s just making myself believe it. Do I believe it? 275 lbs is on the horizon but feels like it is at the top of Mount Midoriyama. I climb upward, conquering with one step at a time, 20 lb barbells in hand!